Title: Of Hearts and Minds

Author: Sammi M. ([email protected])

Rating: G/PG Depending on who you talk to

Series: VOY J/C

Part: NEW 1/1

DISCLAIMER: Star Trek: Voyager belong to Paramount. I'm just messing with the characters' minds a little. I promise that when I give them back, they'll be just fine and able to perform in those interesting plots the writers give them. This story is mine, however.

SUMMARY: Janeway continues to fight her feelings for Chakotay. Unfortunately, something happens that changes everything.

FEEDBACK would be most appreciated. Any type: complaints, criticism, praise, plot problems, anything. Of course, flames will be saved and used for my Memorial Day barbecue.

PLEASE NOTE: The stardates are not accurate!

Of Hearts and Minds

by Sammi M.

Captain's Personal Log: Stardate 47697.3

I cannot grasp all of the time that has passed. I try not to think of the hours or days that have gone by that will never come back. The time we have lost.

I sit here waiting for the call that will at once either send me soaring into the outer reaches of the quadrant or cast me into the worst hell ever imagined. One call ... that's all it would take.

After nearly four years of exploring this dark and unknown quadrant alone, it has painfully been brought back to me that I was never alone. I could always sense his presence around me whether on the bridge, planetside, or fighting for my life. He was always there, albeit in spirit most of the time, but nevertheless, there. The last time we were together ...

Why am I doing this to myself? This log is no easier today than it was fourteen days ago. Even with the knowledge that the official log has been placed in the records, my own personal one has not made it past the opening stage. I keep asking myself how did this happen; why him and not me. The questions keep coming back with no answers. My mind is not on this. Hopefully, bridge duty will help. But, before I can leave, I need to make that one call.

"Janeway to Sickbay," I calmly request even though I feel anything but.

"Sickbay here. How are you today, Captain?" Kes's greeting serves to offer one bright spot in my morning. Her pixie face lights up, "I hope you aren't calling because of something you ate."

I smile in spite of the true reason, "No, though this morning's offering sure could have done it for me." I sober quickly as my purpose returns to mind. "Has there been any change?"

There is a slight hesitation, but then, "I'm sorry, Captain, he's still comatose." She seems to pause as if trying to impart some glimmer of hope into my now dark day. "The doctor says the commander seems to be breathing much better and that must be a positive sign."

Hope. Just a small sliver. "Does the doctor think it's a sign Chakotay's regaining consciousness?"

"That or it's ..." She trails off unhappily as she realizes where the statement was headed. A turn for the better before the end. *No!* "We have to believe he's coming back to us, Captain."

I fight to hold back my tears, but one wins the battle and flows down my cheek. "I'm trying, Kes. I really am." I watch as those beautiful, expressive eyes take on the saddest shimmer. I can't bear the pity right now, so I pull on my armour, the kind that all Starfleet captains have and I shut her out. "I'll let you get back to your duties. Janeway out." Without pausing, I cut the connection and allow my grief to consume me for a moment. It's all the time I have to acknowledge my dying heart.

Several hours later:

I walk into my ready room disgusted. My mind has not been on anything but him since I came on shift. I'm sure everyone noticed it, but they're too good of officers to comment.

Why can't I get this out of my mind? Why do I keep dwelling on something that will probably never be? Why can't I accept the doctor's prognosis and start healing myself and moving on? How did I let him get into my being so much that I can't function?

But that's the problem, isn't it? When he was vitally aware, I refused to let him see how much he was a part of me. I constantly threw in his face my duty to the ship and my crew. I never let him close after New Earth. I intentionally returned the picture of Mark and I to its place of reverance knowing he would see it. Hoping it would deter him from the ultimate blow-up destined in our future.

This is my punishment for denying the only truth. I love him. But, in my need to keep things as they were, I have doomed him to a death all alone and myself to a life of nothing without him.

I lower my head to my arms as I sit at my desk letting the despair drown me and as I drift to sleep, I know what scene will haunt my dreams.

Two weeks before:

Captain's log: Stardate 46783.6

We have been on the Traaslic homeworld for several days. Chakotay and Neelix have convinced me of the crew's need for shore leave. All of the reports from the various away teams have led me to grant their requests. I am allowing leave in groups of two or more with rotations of six hours. Tuvok, as expected, has declined leave on the grounds that one M-class planet is much like any other and his violets would be a better suited for his attentions. I have to agree with him in terms of myself. Oh, not concerning violets, but rather not needing to leave the ship. There seem to be so many things that I have put off doing around here and this will be the perfect time to do them. Now, all I have to do is convince my first officer of this ...

As if on cue, my door chimed. I knew who it was. I'd been expecting his visit since I had removed myself from the leave roster. "Come in, Commander."

"Am I that predictable?" He asked as he entered my ready room. "Since you knew I was coming then you know why I'm here." He dropped the PADD onto my desk. "What is this?"

I couldn't resist. "Last time I checked, it was a PADD, but I may not be up on the latest briefings." I fixed him with my most intense gaze. "What do *you* think it is, Commander?"

The sparkle was in his eyes though his mouth stayed in a grim line. "You removed your name from the shore leave roster. Why?"

"I didn't see any need for me to leave the ship. I have several items that I need to take care of here. I don't see the necessity of traipsing over the planet and nothing you say will change my mind."

Chakotay smirked. Ooooh. I hated when he did that. It always meant he had something else up his sleeve. I was not disappointed. "I understand, *Captain*." With a flourish, he handed me yet another of the damn things. "I, too, anticipated your actions and acted accordingly."

I quickly scanned the screen and almost choked. "You can't be serious?" I spluttered. "This is insubordination!"

"It probably would be if it weren't backed up by the CMO." He pointed to the insignia at the bottom. "I'm sure you recognize his stamp."

I couldn't believe what he'd done. The monster had in all essence forced my hand. With disbelief, I returned my gaze back to the offending PADD. There in Starfleet standard was the doctor's orders stating that either I went off on shore leave or he'd confine me to my quarters for a mandatory rest of no less than six hours without access to any computer functions outside of comfort issues. If this was someone else, it would have been laughable, but it was me. "I don't think so, Commander."

"What? That you don't recognize his stamp or that you have no intentions of following the doctor's orders which in medical situations outweigh yours?"

He had me cornered and he knew it. Before I could stop myself, I charged. "This is reprehensible and low! I never would have expected something like this from you."

The smirk was back. "So, I'll be ready to leave in about twenty minutes. Since you decreed everyone leave the ship in pairs or groups, I thought we could do a little exploring of the flora and fauna. How does that sound?"

He had it all planned out. That more than anything else made me want to strip him of that smugness. I decided it was time for my performance of the century. I yawned and watched from under my nearly closed eyelids as he stared at me stretching. "Chakotay, you were right in doing this." The smirk turned into a full blown smile. I had him now! "I didn't realize how tired I was. I think I will use my rest time to catch up on some much needed sleep." I stood and leaned forward on my desk. "I'm sure you'll have no problem finding someone else to accompany you."

"But ..."

"Yes, Commander?"

"This wasn't exactly how I planned today."

My anger at almost being manipulated leaped forward before I could clamp it down. "I can imagine. How dare you try to control my actions."

"I was only trying to do what I thought was best for you." Chakotay seemed to diminish in size as he tried to explain. "You've been looking tired and I thought the change would do you good. I was worried"

I don't know what overcame me, but I saw red. "Your concern should be limited to the crew; I can take care of myself! I don't need you looking over my shoulder or worrying. That's not what you're here for."

"Kath ..." He started to protest until his eyes fell on the corner of my desk. It had taken me a while to locate the old picture and frame and so I had decided to put it in a place of honour on my desk. Chakotay's face paled as he looked at the photo of a laughing Mark and me. The symbolism was not lost on him ... or me for that matter. He stiffened. "I apologize, Captain, for my insolence." The defeated look he turned on me chilled my soul. "I assure you it won't happen again."

He turned to leave and I suddenly felt as if someone had walked across my grave. I almost stopped him, but my pride and my fear wouldn't allow me. Chakotay walked out of my ready room and, for all intents and purposes, out of my life. I sat down wearily and let the tears flow.

I'm not sure how long I sat there like that, but I was still at my desk when the call came in. Ensign Kim was beaming Commander Chakotay and Lt. Paris directly to Sickbay. I don't remember much after that, but I soon found myself in the holographic doctor's domain watching as he did everything possible to bring my First Officer back to us.

My eyes followed every movement Kes and the EMH made over him. I was so focused on them and the lack of response from Chakotay that Tom Paris startled me when he spoke. "We ran into some hostiles on the planet that the Traaslii failed to warn us about. I'd never seen anything like their weapons and I thought it would be the last thing I'd see when one of them fired at me." The young officer turned his eyes back to the frantically working team. "I don't know how the Commander did it, but he leaped in front of me and took the brunt of the discharge." With solemn eyes, he returned his gaze to me. "It would have killed me for sure. I guess this makes us even."

I nodded to show him I was listening, but he knew my heart wasn't in it; it was over on the bed willing its other half to beat.

The door swished open behind us and B'Elanna Torres rushed in. She took one look at the situation and wrapped herself in Paris' arms. As they murmured their words of love and joy at being able to hold each other, I realized what I had done. I had turned away the man I loved !

In that brief moment of clarity, I knew without a shadow of a doubt Chakotay was more than my XO: he was my soul. I recognized my actions as being grounded in the fear of losing myself so completely in him. I knew in that instant he was everything I needed and that I was going to do everything in my power to show him as soon as he awakened.

And then the alarm went off ...

Present day

My head lifted from my desk as my mind registered the summons from my console. I straightened my shoulders as I noticed it was from Sickbay. This was it. The response I had been waiting two weeks for. I knew half of the crew believed him already gone from the time the death alarm sounded over his bio-bed two weeks before, but I had never given up hope. Coma, be damned!

The console beeped again and I reached across my desk to patch it through. I hadn't realized I was holding my breath until I saw Kes' beaming face. I was stunned. "Kes?"

She could barely contain her excitement. "He's awake, Captain! Doc says he should be fine."

For the second time in as many weeks, I don't know how I found myself in Sickbay, but I was there watching Chakotay as a starving man might watch his last chance at a meal. He looked so good!

The doctor walked up to me. "This arrival has beat all of your previous ones. We really must examine you for possible wing growth." I turned a puzzled look on the doctor. "Commander Chakotay seems to be doing rather well, though I am still concerned with the cranial swelling he's experiencing. I will continue to monitor him for any problems, but he should make a full recovery."

All I could do was release the breath I'd been holding since Kes' wonderful announcement. I smiled at the doctor and walked toward the man of my heart and soul. As I moved closer, I watched the steady rise and fall of his chest and reassured myself that everything would be all right.

When I was as close as I could get without climbing onto the bed, I leaned over and gently kissed his tattoo. His eyes fluttered open and my heart skipped a beat as I looked into those magnificent eyes. I brushed back his hair and whispered to him, "Welcome back, My Love." I wasn't a fool: no more playing games or second chances. I was going to make the most of the rest of our lives.

He opened his mouth to speak, but I covered it with my finger. He pulled away slightly and looked at me with the most intense look I had ever seen. His brow furrowed as he struggled to speak. "Wh ... what are ...y-y-you ... doing ... here ... Captain?" he managed to gasp out.

For a moment my heart stopped as I thought he remembered our last fight. I quickly moved to allay his suspicions. "I've been waiting for you to wake up, Darling. You had us all so worried!"

The puzzled look grew as he tried to grasp what I was saying. He pulled as far away from me as his restraints and his injuries would allow him. "What happened?"

"You and Tom Paris were ambushed and your heroism had you stupidly step in front of a weapons discharge. Thank the Gods we were monitoring the shore leave parties or we might not have been able to save you in time." I doubly thanked them.

My world came to screeching and unbearable stop as he looked me deep in the eyes and with confusion all over his face questioned, "But I thought the Caretaker and his followers were harmless? Why would they attack?"

My heart started racing with fear. I didn't want to ask, but I had to just to be sure. "The Caretaker? Chakotay, what's the stardate?"

Nothing could have prepared me for his answer. "42768.0."

The room grew quiet as we all realized the extent of his injuries: Chakotay had lost the last four years of his life. The doctor began asking him questions and the answers chilled me to the bone. He no longer remembered being a vital member of our blended crew or of our times together or New Earth or of his love for me that was finally reciprocated