Title: Of Body and Souls
Author: Sammi M.  ([email protected])
Rating: G/PG Depending on who you talk to in the government!
Series: VOY  J/C
Part: NEW 1/1

DISCLAIMER: Star Trek: Voyager belongs to Paramount. I'm just messing with the characters' minds a little. I promise that when I give them back, they'll be just fine and able to perform in those interesting plots the writers give them. This story is mine, however.

SUMMARY: Janeway struggles with the fact Chakotay can't remember anything from the last four years. Where do they go from there?

This is the sequel to Of Hearts and Minds. If you haven't read it, you might be a tad confused.

FEEDBACK would be most appreciated. Any type: complaints, criticism, praise, plot problems, anything. Of course, flames will be saved and used for my Fourth of July barbecue.

PLEASE NOTE: The stardates are not accurate!

BTW, in case you hadn't noticed, I know very little about medicine.

Personal Log, Stardate: 47697.7 It has been a week since Chakotay awakened. The crew has been torn between euphoria for him surviving and despair because he can't remember how far all of us have come. I understand their confusion. How could I have believed it could be as simple as him awakening for everything to be all right? I keep thinking back to that day when we ... I ... realized the love in his eyes that I had chosen to ignore for two years was gone. I wanted to stay by his side to will him into remembrance, but the doctor convinced me it was best for him if I left. The doctor and Chakotay's eyes, that is. His eyes were so afraid ... Of what, I ask myself? What did he have to fear?

The insistent beep of my door announcer drags my thoughts away from the log. It takes me a second to readjust myself, but I do it. First, and foremost, I *am* the Captain of this ship and no amount soul-wrenching can change that.

"Enter," I call out. My voice is calm and cool and no one would have any idea of what I'm feeling on the inside. Well, one would, or did, but no longer. I look up and see Tuvok standing in front of my desk waiting patiently (Do Vulcans do anything else?) for me to acknowledge him. "What can I do for you, Lieutenant?"

At my tone, he lifts that damnable eyebrow. What did he expect? He knows me well enough to know I'm not breaking down; not this close to my bridge. "Captain, several of the senior staff have placed a request asking that Commander Chakotay be allowed to access their personal logs from the last four years. As per Starfleet regulations, you or the Commander must approve this."

All I can do at first is stare at the PADD he holds out to me. I'm stunned. For the senior staff to do something so ... personal, for want of a better word, is amazing. They are willing to open themselves up just on the slim chance that he will remember something. I take the object from him and glance at the names. As usual, Tuvok has understated the feelings wrapped up in this piece of technology; *several* of my officers didn't volunteer. *All* of them did, with Tuvok's name heading the list. The tears start their fight to escape and announce to my visitor I'm not as tough as I seem. I force them back because I must be in control. "Request approved, Mr. Tuvok. Tell the staff it's appreciated."

He stands before me almost hesitant to continue. Something's up; he's never hesitant. "Captain, I was wondering if we should include yours as well? Since you were very close to the Commander in the command structure, your logs might be even more beneficial to him than ours."

I take a quick breath. He does have a point. My personal logs would definitely provide Chakotay with some answers, but I'm not sure they would be the ones to help him. I don't want to add to his confusion any more than I have. But, then again, who knows him better? B'Elanna has told me that I'm probably closer to him than anyone else, including her. I know his favourite foods; that he sings so heavenly when he plays his replicated guitar; how he sleeps, and, probably most damning of all, his childhood nickname. He would know so much if I allowed him access to my logs as he has access to my heart, but ... "No, Tuvok. I don't think my logs would be as helpful as you believe." I stop and say nothing else. As any good officer, he knows when he's been dismissed and leaves. I almost wish he had fought me; it would have eased my soul more.

_____________________________________________

Stardate 47700.8

Chakotay has been up and around for several days. The Doctor has cleared him for light duty only, due to his concern with the swelling that still plagues the Commander. Kes assures me it's not life-threatening, more of a nuisance really, but I still fear his body is betraying him.

I watch him from under my lashes; I think everyone on the bridge does. B'Elanna has even taken to doing most of her work up here so that she can keep a better eye on him. That, in itself, says a lot about how she feels for him - how we all feel for him.

I see him tilt his head in that way I know means he's in pain. I fight the urge to reach over to him. It wouldn't be appreciated, not now. Maybe not ever again. "Are you all right, Commander?" Good. Professional, yet with just enough concern to let everyone know I care about my crew.

"I'm fine, Captain," he answers through clenched teeth. He raises his voice a touch so it can be heard throughout the bridge. "For everyone concerned, I'm fine."

As any good crew, no outward response can be seen, but the tension levels are noticeably lower. I dare a glance at him and his eyes latch on to mine. Oh, Gods! Those eyes. They can say so much in the tiniest of glances. If I promise to listen this time, to hear what he has to say, will he come back to me? I pour my entire soul into that look and .... nothing. No flicker of anything more than polite respect for a superior officer. I turn away, no outward sign of my insides dying. I curse Fate for it's ultimate little jokes. But, Fate hates to be called upon. Why didn't I realize that?

______________________________________________

I stand in the hallway outside of sickbay wondering if I should just move my ready room here. It would be easier considering this is where I've spent most of my time over the last few weeks. My mind wanders to thoughts of what brought us to this place again. Duty beckons. Doesn't it always. "Janeway to Tuvok. Status report." I listen dispassionately at the status of my ship and crew. It's not that I don't care; I care too much. It's that all of my energies are directed toward that room - toward the man within that room. As my thoughts return to the subject at hand, I suddenly realize Tuvok has asked me a question. "I haven't received word from the Doctor yet, but as soon as he fills me in on the Commander's condition I'll let you know." Damn that anomaly! He didn't need this. *We* didn't need this!

The door to sickbay opens and Kes is standing there beckoning to me. I enter and immediately my eyes search for his bed. The Doctor clears his throat and my attention returns to them. "How is he?"

"Considering his head has been used as a battering ram for Bridge components, he's doing better than expected." He turns and walks toward Chakotay and I follow like a lost child desperate for something familiar. "Though the skull was not intended to be used as a hammering tool, it can withstand incredible amounts of pressure. Of course, the greater the pressure the more chances one's brains will flow from one's ears, but that's a diatribe for another day. The commander is suffering from a build-up of fluids and increased swelling of his brain. I am in the process of releasing the fluids, but the continued swelling has even baffled my superior diagnostic processes."

"So, what you're saying is, you don't know what's causing the swelling and you have no idea how to relieve it."

Doc frowns at me; if I weren't emotionally drained, I might have been tickled by getting one up on him. As things stand, I don't care. "Without disparging my skills, that's what I said."

"If you aren't able to dispell the swelling, what will happen?" I have to know. This has been my curse since I was small. Ever curious.

"If by some unfathomable chance I am unable to control and dissipate the swelling, Commander Chakotay will experience gradually worsening headaches, nausea, an increased heart rate elevating his blood pressure, problematic breathing, seizures and coma eventually leading to death."

"Oh, ye Gods!" Curiosity killed the Kat. I had to know, didn't I? Well, now my soul is dying with my Commander. Can I survive without either?

Kes touches my arm and yet again leads me from my despair. "Captain. That is the worst case scenario. The Commander is strong and Doc really is doing everything he can to help him even if it didn't sound that way from the prognosis."

"Well, she *did* ask."

Yes, I did. I can't blame him for the answer.

I don't want to leave, but I need to get back to the Bridge to see if they've figured out where that anomaly came from. I need to be focused on something; something I can be angry at. "Keep me appraised of the sit..."

My sentence is cut off as a moan comes from the biobed. The Doctor and Kes move to their patient. I step closer but not so close as to cause him distress. I watch as his eyes open and lock on Kes. My heart races as I watch the tiniest of smiles play around that beautiful mouth. I hope this means something - means some remembrance. My hope is answered in the cruelest of ways. "R ... Riley."

Before I can contain it, a sob breaks free from me and Doc rushes to my side as I try to get away from that part of my first officer's past that I had hoped he'd confined to Hell. I am almost out the door when he grabs my arm, stopping my flight. Even though I thought all of my fight died with Chakotay's utterance of that name, I still maintain a small part of it. I don't look directly at the doctor and I stiffen to keep him from pulling me back in completely. He must realize this because his hand, though it still grasps my arm, gentles from a pulling hold to an almost comforting one. "Captain, this doesn't mean what you think. I believe this memory is a result of the link Commander Chakotay shared with the Borg. The head wounds are not dissimilar and I think his mind is trying to latch on to anything it can to help him overcome this." I look up at his face now, and I'm touched by the tenderness and caring on it. My walled up emotions nearly break free when I see what look to be ... tears? ... in his eyes. He knows what I'm going through; it's almost as if he's been here, in my place. "Don't give up on him because of this. He needs you; *you're* his family."

I nod and he releases me. With a small, watery smile at Kes, I head back to the Bridge. My place. Where I am the strongest. Where I am in control. The tears are gone. I step out of the turbolift and demand answers which I receive without delay. In my calmest voice I inform the Alpha shift of Chakotay's condition with no mention of what could happen. A pall settles over the area; they know. I don't have to say a word about possible prognoses; they sense Death as it lies in wait, just in case. It is too much. I give command to Tuvok and head back to my ready room. Back to the place of supposed sanctuary.

I'm tired. Oh, so very tired. But, I know if I try to rest, my visions of that other time will be interspersed with the last explosion that sent Chakotay crashing into that console. No rest. So, I pace and try to come to terms with what I heard. What he said. I try to rationalize it the way the doctor did, ... but I can't. How can he remember her, the 'woman' who used him to get a job done, and not me, the woman who loved him .... only didn't say it? But, he had to have known. He had to have real.... My eyes alight on the picture of myself and Mark. I pick it up and look down on the smiling faces from another time and another place. Without thought, I throw it against the wall.

Why should they be happy?

____________________________________________

Now that the shift is over, I've decided to return to my quarters rather than Sickbay. I feel better after throwing the picture and hearing the image shatter. But, my better feelings soon leave as I pass his empty quarters.

I settle at my table to review the repair rotations. Progress is being made and soon my ship will be running like clockwork. Why can't a body be fixed so easily?

The door chime sounds and I allow whoever entrance. Tom Paris stands before me as my door closes behind him. He notices my puzzled look and he smiles. "Sorry to disturb you, Captain, but I thought you might need a sounding board."

I shake my head in wonder. Will my young officer ever cease to amaze me? A secret smile. I hope not. "Thank you for the offer, Tom, but there's really nothing to discuss."

"That's not what Doc told B'Elanna."

The doctor's been talking to B'Elanna? "Really. And what did he say?" I ask, motioning for him to take a seat.

"Oh, you know the Doc. Says a lot to say a little." He sits on my sofa and immediately seems completely at ease. I envy that ability. "B'Ela threatened to rewrite some of his programming before he told her the story."

"The story being what?"

The young man sighs and for some odd reason I know he's going to get his discussion. "That Chakotay didn't need this latest injury; that he's getting worse rather than better; that you're worried sick and while you were there he remembered that female Borg."

My resolve cracks a little. "The Doctor talks too much."

"Permission to speak freely?" I nod. "Maybe you don't talk enough."

I had to give him permission, didn't I? It's like that curiosity thing; fairness above all. Poppycock. This isn't a democracy here; ultimately, what I say goes and if I didn't want to give permission, I didn't have to. I guess it was my way of granting Mr. Paris the opening he needed. "Well, after a comment like that, how can I refuse?" Not to mention the fact my usual confidante is in no condition to listen.

So, I toss aside my resolve and tell him everything. It feels good to talk, to release. He doesn't judge. My admiration of him soars and, not for the first time, I'm grateful I chose him for my pilot. "Wow. That's a heavy burden to have to carry. You don't really think all of this is punishment for not telling him how you feel?"

Did I say that? I don't remember it, but I must have. How else would he have known? "You disagree? How do *you* see it then?"

"You know I'm a big proponent of second chances. Well, that's how you should look at this." Tom notices my confusion and thankfully continues. "Doc said the Commander will never have a full grasp of those past memories; he'll possibly remember a few images or maybe some feelings, but for the most part, everything else is gone. I know this is hard to accept, but it's the way things are. What we all, but you especially, are going to have to do is take this as an opportunity to right what went wrong the first time. Look at this as a gift." I glare at him. "Albeit , a gift we all could have lived without, but a gift, nonetheless. With the exception of me, B'Elanna and Tuvok, everyone else will pretty much be starting with a clean slate. And, I know, this time, I'm not going to push as many buttons; I'm aiming for his support and friendship first and foremost." His eyes are so on fire as he continues. He really believes this. "But, you, you're the luckiest one. You don't have to worry about hurt feelings or things you said or things you didn't say; you get the chance to start fresh and show him at every opportunity how much you love him."

My lieutenant definitely has my attention. "That's a very unique way of looking at it." Could it be this simple? Should I look at this as a gift? And, if so, what would that have meant to our other future? With everything that happened in the past, would Chakotay and I have been able to put those feelings aside and move forward? For the first time since the incident in Sickbay, hope started to nest within me and ... I allowed it to grow. I know it's going to be a long hard road ahead of us, but, as long as I focus on our being together, we can make it. With that realization, one of my old smiles breaks free and Tom is truly at ease.

He smiles his patented "Paris-Charm" smile and winks. The man is undaunted by authority. "Well, I've given you a lot to think about and with everything today, you're probably tired. So, I think I'll bid you goodnight and go off in search of a maddening, but intriguing, Chief Engineer." For just a second, the real Tom Paris shines through. "Happy dreams and happy thoughts, Captain."

"Same to you, Lieutenant." Before I can think of what I'm doing, I reach up to him and kiss his cheek. I don't know who was most surprised: him or me. But, I recover faster. "Tell said Chief Engineer, she's a very lucky woman. Thank you."

"You're welcome and I will." The transition to the pseudo-Tom is almost visible. "Besides, the big guy's life is in my hands. I have to make sure it's a happy one, right? Bad karma if I don't." He winks again and leaves.

For the first time in a long time, I think I'll be able to sleep without the recriminations of the past haunting me. Finally.

____________________________________________

I awaken to the sound of my name over the comm system. "Janeway here."

It's Kes. Oh, gods! "Captain, I'm sorry to disturb you, but the Commander is missing."

"What? How is that possible? Last time I saw him he was barely able to talk. How can he possibly be missing?"

"I left to work on something in the hydroponics bay and Doc turned himself off to check on some things pertaining to Commander Chakotay's case. There was no sign of him regaining consciousness before morning, so the Doctor didn't activate the alerts. When I returned to check on him, he was gone and he had removed his communicator. Due to the repairs, the computer is having a hard time locating him."

Damn! No communicator and no ship-wide sensors. Of all the times for him to suddenly remember his adventurous spirit. I jump from my bed and hurriedly dress. "What's his medical status, Kes?"

Doc replaces the younger face and, amazingly, he looks worried. "During my down time, I was able to review my scans a bit more thoroughly. I believe I've located Commander Chakotay's problem. I've discovered a procedure that should dissipate the swelling. Unfortunately, with my discovery, I've also determined we have a very small window in which to correct the damage. He's been growing steadily worse and if we don't find him soon, ..."

"What measures have you taken in the search?" I don't want him to finish the rest of his sentence. Not after I'm finally starting to feel like there's a future for us.

"We've contacted security and they have people out looking for him. Ensign Kim and Lt. Torres are working on the sensors, but they feel it'll be several hours until they're back on-line and the Commander doesn't have that kind of time."

A small part of me is proud of how my crew is working to find him, but that part is overshadowed by the fear that we might be too late. "Understood. Keep me appraised of the situation on your end and make a general note that I am to be contacted as soon as he is located. Janeway out." My thoughts are all over the place and I have to fight for control. I will not lose him. I'm taking my second chance and damn the consequences. I walk to my monitor and pray for a break. "Computer, display the current patterns of the search for Commander Chakotay." The computer only takes a second before I am allowed to see the areas where he isn't. I quickly memorize my course and set off. There will be no regrets this time.

_________________________________________________

As I round yet another corner, I realize how tired I am. Two hours have passed and still no sign of him. I stop myself from asking, yet again, if any transporter activity has been noted. I know I would have been contacted immediately if there had been a whisper of movement in that direction. But, I can't help but question that. Where else could he be? Why haven't we found him?

I try to work tired muscles, but I know it's useless. Only a worry-free sleep can help and that's not in my immediate future right now. As I rotate my head, my eye catches the display for Holodeck 3. I ignore it and continue down the corridor, but something bothers me enough to return. My heart starts to race as I realize what caught my eye. The holodeck is running a program entitled "New Earth". /It can't be. How di... / I quickly note there is no privacy lock and enter.

The scene that greets me transports me to another place that feels like a lifetime ago. The site is exactly as I remember it right down to the faint scent of some exotic alien flower that wafts on the breeze. I move forward intent on finding my errant first officer and as I walk beyond a grove of trees, I see our shelter. Only, this isn't the shelter I remember. Several log additions have been made and the whole west side is nothing more than a garden area, complete with tomatoes. There's a wooden swing near a man-made rock bench and a smaller wooden building sits off away from the main structure. I can't help but gaze at the improvements; they are amazing. It's no longer just a shelter for two displaced Starfleet officers; it's now a home for two people who desperately need one. He's done all of this for me. And, even in the fog of his forgotten memories, he found his way here, to our home. My resolve strengthens and I suddenly know where he'll be.

The path that leads to my bath is well worn and my movements are sure as I follow it. I know he'll be there like I know my soul needs his to keep going. I hear a sound and my heart skips a beat as I look into the tub that he built for me. There he is. My Chakotay. My eyes drink in the very sight of him and I note his ragged breathing and his sweat-drenched skin as he cowers in the far end. Without thought, I climb in and softly speak soothing words so as not to startle him. Something must reach him because his agitated motions calm and his breathing slows the tiniest bit. I wrap him in my arms and, for the briefest of moments, revel in just holding him. He whimpers and I return to the problem at hand. Not wanting to frighten him, I don't change my tone as I call for assistance. "Janeway to Sickbay. I've found the Commander in Holodeck 3. Two for emergency transport. Lock on my comm sig...."

"Captain," Doc interrupts. "In the Commander's current condition, I wouldn't suggest intraship transport. Kes is on her way with a med team and a med-lev. They should be there soon, so try to keep him as calm as you can."

"Understood." I release the link and re-focus my attentions on my first officer. I can feel the heat radiating off of him and his heart is racing. My lips find the top of his head and try to soothe him in their own way. Tiny tremors start in his body and I hope Kes finds us soon. But in the meantime, there has to be something I can do. I hold him tighter and pray his soul is listening. "Chakotay, you have to listen to me. I know this is hard for you but you must hold on. So many people are depending on you; I don't think we could make it if you weren't here. We need your balance, your stability. We need that sense of humour that threatens to run loose no matter what the situation. We need ...." I have to stop. This isn't right; I can't say this and mean it. "*I* need you beside me, supporting me. I need to know you'll be there to argue with me when you think I'm taking the wrong path. I need to feel your presence when I make a decision and I need you to be there to hear my 'I told you sos' when I'm proven correct." I chuckle. "I suppose as long as you're with me, I can even accept a few of your 'I told you sos' as well." The tears that I have been holding fall. "We have a long road ahead of us and it's going to seem so hard, but you've got to hang on so that *we* can travel it. You and I can do this; we can do anything as long as we're together. I just need you to fight a little longer." I gently rock him as his breathing eases. He's a fighter.

We settle in more comfortably and I feel the tension leave his body as he goes completely limp. My certainty wavers as his dead weight pushes on me. "Chakotay? Chakotay!" I can't feel his heart anymore. This can't be happening! "No, Chakotay! No, damn you!"

_____________________________________________

A pain in my neck awakens me and I slowly return to awareness. As I take in my surroundings, my mind races to figure out why I'm in Sickbay. Chakotay! I struggle to sit up in the chair but my progress is hindered by my hand being held by something. I stop my movements and my eyes settle on that hand .... wrapped around my Commander's. Tears of relief fall from my eyes as I recall Kes' arrival at that heart-wrenching moment. I remember the tense hours I waited to hear if he survived the procedure and then the minutes I cried on Tom's shoulder when the Doctor told me he was going to make it. No one thought twice about trying to make me leave after he was settled and a stiff neck was a small price to pay to awaken next to him.

I close my eyes and thank the gods for allowing him to stay with me and I promise them I won't make a mess of this chance that I've been given. The pressure on my hand is eased away and I open my eyes to see his eyes watching me.

For just a second, I flash back to that time not so long ago and fear threatens to overtake me. But, I remember my promise and I know my path is set. With every ounce of my Starfleet courage and a lot of Janeway strength, I bend over and kiss the mark that makes him Chakotay. I step back as he pulls slightly away; he needs time. I can give him a little; I'm generous when I'm secure in my intent. "Hello there, Commander. Glad to have you back. You had us all worried." I grant him my most supportive smile and I return my hand to his. "Since you've decided to continue this journey with us, I believe you should be rewarded. Name whatever you'd like to do and as soon as Doc releases you, we'll do it. My treat. So, whaddya say?" My eyes beg him to take my offer. "What would you like to do?"

Our eyes lock and, once again, I feel tears straining to break free at what I see in his. There is still fear, enough that it almost clouds his eyes, but, behind all of that is determination and strength and a need to move forward. My breath catches in my throat as I hear his soft-spoken words, "I think I want that bath."

The End