WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH...COLLEEN SAVE ME!!!!! Cath ____________
Suddenly Colleen sat up in her chair and cocked her ear in the direction of a strange sound. A cry for help! Unbolting her seatbelt and chains and prudently stashing her ice-cream in the freezer, she tossed aside the image of the bumbling helmswoman. Leaping into the air with a violet cape suddenly appearing on her back she dashed out the turbo lift doors narrowly avoiding collision with the wall and said in a authoritative voice. "Deck nine. And pronto!".... will she be in time to save the pained Cath? Will she manage to coordinate her cape with her boots? Tune in next time to see the exciting continuation of..... HelmGirl!)
.. we pick up where our hero left off in the turbo lift heading for 'Deck Nine, and Pronto!"
In a flash, the trusty turbo lift raced to deck nine depositing our hero unceremoniously on the floor of the corridor. Untangling the violet cape from her legs and noticing, not for the first time, that they clashed terribly with the lime green rubber boots, she made a mental note to have the Protocol Officer check the colour scheme from the books.
With barely a moment to spare she recalled her mission. Save the punny Cath from destruction. She was such a dedicated hero, that she didn't even stop to ask 'Why?', she just bolted blindly down towards the room where the captive was fearing for her very life.
We leave our hero here for the moment. Will she ever remember to feed the budgie? Will she ever figure out that Deck Nine is NOT where the captive is being held? Tune in next time for the continuing adventures of... HELM GURL!
We pick up where our Hero was just figuring out that her distressed maiden (ahem) was not on... you guessed it... Deck Nine!
She waited patiently for both micro seconds for the answer to her call before deciding in a decisive like manner to fall back on the old stand by.
Hesitantly she lifted her dynamic hand to her (hehehe) dynamic breast and touched her.... dynamic comm badge.
Computer, Where the he...ck is Cath? No... no... not Cat, Cath. No, not Fish face, CATH! No, not Fish Breath, Cath! No, not Fish Food, CATHHH!
Upon hearing the answer (finally) to her dynamic heroic question, Helm Gurl dashed away like a speeding salmon desperately trying to get up stream to ... well like that.
With her Violet cape and fusha boots and apple green tights, our Hero streaked throught he corridors like a bad vomit ...er comet nearing the location of ner damsel in dis dress (Twas a frilly little frock accented softly with cubit zirconia chips and lemon drops).
Will our Hero reach the Scaly Cath? Will she ever find out that she left the door to her formerly secret stash of ice-cream open? Will she ever just find the broad and finish this thing? Tuna in next time for the not-that-exciting conclusion of ..... Helm GURL!!
After a very long hiatus, we return to where our Hero HelmGurl was about to have convulsions due to a very punny group of folk. (We call them folk due to the possible young nature of our audience.) The direct response to her dynamic question of the whereabout of The Cath, led our Hero to swear profusely. Apparently, she was trailing along behind the ship doing wave skiing!
ahem...
We greet the loyal viewers who have stoically remained riveted through the last few months neither moving, nor sleeping nor... relieving themselves.. (ewwwww.) Whilst awaiting for Helmgurl to ... get her act together.
Finally determining that the punny Cath has freed herself and requested a transfer to any other ship (even a shuttle craft), our hero finds herself at a loss for a reason for her very existence.
Her formally secret ice-cream stash (now devoured) is pointless, she is no longer on a heroic quest, and .......she has a hemorrhoid.
What WILL our up-chuck coloured quester do??
Will she find a reason to go on in the long and winding corridors of the ship? Will she reach her steering wheel before everyone captures their balance? Will she kill Gabrielle and become Xena's new side kick?
Who knows?
Who cares?
Who has my fudge ripple?
Stay tuned.. you never know what will happen next...
We come back after a long hiatus to find Helm Gurl pondering...
"How did that Cath get loose without my profound powers?" she pondered.
"How on Earth did she get free without my divine intervention?"
"Ah." She thought to herself jubilantly. "We're not ON Earth!"
Deftly our hero Helm Gurl slinks to the floor to decide what heroic deed to acomplish next. With tremendous skill and agility she avoids being stepped on by her fellow compatriots. (What's a compatriot? She ponders.)
Then like a flash from camera bulb, an explosion from a bean-eating individual, a thought enters her astonished mind.
She leaps to her feet and hits her head on the bulkhead (must be why they named it that.) "I know!" She says aloud to no one listening, "I know what my next impossible task can be!"
She thrusts her chest outward, places her hand on her breast (ooooo) "I'm going to get Ensign Lefty INSIDE the Ready Room!"
With that stoic announcement, Helm Gurl leaps down the corridor in search of our disgruntled Ensign.
Will she be able to complete this most impossible of assignments?
Will she be able to sneak the Ensign in?
Does she even know Where the Ready Room is?
Tune in for more as our HERO searches frantically for the Turbo Lift.
..... decades later, Helm gurl emerges from a fog not knowing what had happened next. She speedily and cat like moved her featured head from side to side looking for clues and crooked pictures on the wall.
To her dynamic dismay (not june) she discovered quite heroically that she had no ideas as to why she was standing there. Deep in the recesses of her soul she knew what was next.... she was prepared.... she reached.... down deep... into her... pocket...and pulled out... the paper.
Humbly glancing down at the white coloured paper she let her eyes fall on the black coloured text staring back at her. This was the paper, the 'thing' that would clear everything up. She braced herself and read the prophetic text.... she held her gaze steady... her hands barely trembled (she is our hero after all), her jaw squared and firm... until she read the final words.... the words that would make her mission clear...
"Will she kill Gabrielle and become Xena's new side kick?
Who knows?
Who cares?
Who has my fudge ripple?
Stay tuned.. you never know what will happen next..."
Sighing deeply, Helm gurl took a dynamic moment and all became clear. Her Xena-like warrior cry echoed down the corridors of the ship... "MY FUDGE RIPPLE!!!!!!!"
Like a bullet Helm gurl shot down towards the turbo lift. Like a bullet she missed and richocheted off the wall and landed on an innocent bystander. No wait... it was Lefty... not so innocent. But she WAS standing by her.
Rebounding quickly, Helm gurl flung herself altertly into the lift and demanded in a deep throaty growl... (ooops what was Worf doing here?)... high pitched shrill... 'The Bridge!'.
As the turbo lift picked up the pace (they were always leaving pace all over the floor) and headed to the bridge, our Hero was developing a role of film.. er a plan of action.
WHAT would be waiting for our Hero at her destination?
WHAT was her plan of action?
WHAT was her favourite action figure?
WHAT was her favourite figure of speech?
WHAT... oh forget it.
Stay tuned.... and MAYBE you'll find out...