The communicator had fallen silent, but the sound of Tuvok's voice seemed to echo through the room. It seemed to Kathryn that she could still hear it repeating, almost like a mantra. //Thirty hours, thirty hours.// Incredible to learn that was all the time they had left to them. The incredible unfairness of it stung her. Only last night they had stayed out under the stars, wrapped in each others arms, talking, laughing, occasionally kissing. Making plans, building dreams of their future. A future which was now doomed to end in thirty hours.
Chakotay was still standing there, leaning over the table; was he waiting for her to speak? She tried once, twice, but no sound came out. He seemed to sense her distress, and took pity on her, smiling gently. "Well," he said, straightening up, "I guess we'd better start packing."
"Yes." She looked around her and grasped desperately at the topic he had offered. "Lord, it seems as though we just got all this unpacked. You know it won't all fit back in the containers. Things never do."
The sound of his soft laughter was like a balm for her wounded spirit. "At least we haven't had time to accumulate more stuff. I'll go get the crates."
//No time.// She glanced at his retreating back. He'd stay by her side through the next thirty hours, she knew. Saying nothing of his own disappointment in order not to exacerbate hers. //Never enough time.// With a sigh, she rose and went outside to help.
Six hours later, they had packed everything that they wouldn't need for their last night on the planet, and Chakotay insisted that they take a break to eat and rest. Unable to find a reason to refuse, Kathryn agreed, and they took their meal outside to sit under the trees. //Last time.// They ate in silence, leaning against one of the trees, shoulders barely touching. Finally, Kathryn knew she couldn't procrastinate any longer. "Chakotay, we have to talk about this."
He wouldn't look at her. "Defining parameters again, Kathryn?"
"I think we have to. Don't you?"
"I told you before, I don't think I can. That hasn't changed."
"But the situation has. What we've started here cannot continue."
"Why not?"
"You were trained for command. You know why not. A captain must be separate, alone, so that the safety of the crew is always first. There must be no other higher priority."
"Kathryn, I've served with you for nearly two years. I know you. You would never put anything, not even a lover, above the safety of the crew. I'm certain of that. Why aren't you?"
"I couldn't live with myself if I was ever proven wrong." She paused for just a moment. "I was always satisfied with the concept that while serving, a captain must be married to her ship. The fact that I'm not personally happy about that anymore doesn't mean anything. It's what I was taught. It's what we were both taught, and it's what I believe in. It works, and it's right. That's just the way it has to be."
She turned to face him and took his hands in hers, interlacing their fingers. "But here and now, Chakotay, I can still be totally honest about my feelings for you." She paused again, choosing her words, eyes mapping his face. "You have more integrity than any other man I've ever met. You have a kindness, a gentleness, and a generosity of spirit that I envy." She laughed. "Your sense of humor is infectious, if perhaps somewhat odd at times. And I've come to depend so much on your strength and wisdom." Freeing one hand from his grasp, she reached up and first traced the outline of his tattoo, then the curve of his cheek, and finally lightly brushed her fingers across his lips. "And just in case you haven't noticed, I find you very attractive." Her gaze locked with his. "It may have taken the artificiality of this situation for me to admit it to myself, but my feelings for you have changed considerably over the past two years. I'm very much in love with you, Chakotay, and I wish with all my heart that I could share the rest of my life with you."
Chakotay remained silent, simply pulling her into the circle of his arms. Kathryn rested her head on his shoulder and allowed herself to luxuriate in the sensations--the feel of his muscles beneath her cheek, the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, the distinctive scent of his skin. These few moments would have to last her a very long time.
The next morning, as if by mutual agreement, they both dressed in their uniforms and silently packed up the last of their belongings and moved them outside the shelter. When they had finally run out of busy work, Chakotay made a pot of real coffee and replicated Kathryn's favorite breakfast. Silently, they went back outside and sat down to eat beneath the tree which had sheltered them the evening before.
The silence was broken suddenly by the chirp of Janeway's communicator. It was Tuvok, informing them that Voyager would be entering orbit in twenty minutes. Janeway spoke to him for a few moments, making arrangements for their return, then closed the frequency. Before she could say anything more, Chakotay took a deep breath and spoke.
"Kathryn, before we leave here there's something I want to say. You know I will always abide by your wishes . . . I'll never knowingly press you to change your mind about us. But I do want you to think about something." She nodded and he went on. "You've told me many times that you want us to be a family on Voyager." She nodded again and he smiled at her. "A family needs a father as well as a mother. And the happiest families are the ones where mom and dad have a healthy, open, honest and sharing relationship. You're only human, Kathryn. Sometimes you need someone to lean on, someone to help you carry the burden, just like everyone else. I can be that someone for you if you'll let me. Regardless of the nature or extent of our personal relationship, I hope you know I'll always be there for you, no matter what you need from me."
He turned slightly to look at her. She was sitting with her head on her knees, her eyes closed. Gently, he picked up the hand resting on the grass and softly kissed it before he rose and went into the shelter.
Tom Paris sank into the fireside chair at Sandrine's with a groan and B'Elanna Torres looked up with a smile. "How's life on the big, bad bridge?"
Tom groaned again. "You can say that again. The atmosphere is so cold up there I'm going to start wearing thermal underwear on duty." He signaled to the server. "You've seen them in staff meetings. It's even worse on the bridge. They never speak directly to each other anymore. Have you ever been on a ship where the captain and the first officer never say anything to each other? It's weird. Fortunately, the Captain has started spending most of her shift in her ready room. Of course that leaves Chakotay free to take it out on the rest of us, when he chooses to acknowledge our existence, that is."
"It's been five weeks, Tom. He can't still be that bad."
He grimaced at her as if in pain. "He's not. He gets worse with each passing day." He accepted his drink from the holographic waiter. "He's starting to make Tuvok look friendly by comparison."
"I wonder what could have happened on that planet to do this to both of them."
Tom saluted her with his drink. "Well, now that's the big question, isn't it? But who's going to be the one brave enough to ask it?"
The mess hall was nearly empty; even the last of gamma shift's dawdlers were long gone and it was still a bit early for alpha shift's lunch period to begin. In fact, the only people in the main room when the captain entered were Commander Chakotay and Ensign Duffy from engineering, and they were deep in conversation. Janeway almost turned and left at the sight of her first officer, but before she could escape, Neelix came bustling out of the kitchen.
"Captain Janeway! How nice to see you so early in the day. Can I get you something to eat?"
"Actually, Neelix, I was hoping for some lunch, but if it's too early I can . . ."
"Nonsense. It's never too early for lunch, I always say. How does a nice Brintarin omelet sound? Mr. Paris pronounced it quite tasty at breakfast. And I have a special surprise to with it. Something I think you'll enjoy."
Janeway smiled weakly and nodded her agreement.
Neelix beamed at her. "Excellent! Why don't you go sit with Commander Chakotay, and I'll bring your lunch in a minute."
In surprise, Janeway turned to see that Chakotay was indeed alone. Not managing to think of a plausible excuse not to sit with him, she joined him at the table. "Commander."
"Captain."
Janeway couldn't recall ever having been so uncomfortable with someone. Her first officer simply stared impassively at her. So he wasn't going to help. Fine. She took refuge in work. "Is there a problem with Ensign Duffy that I should know about?"
There was a brief flash of some emotion--was it gratitude? anger? she couldn't tell--in his eyes before he spoke. "No, no problem at all. She came to request permission to begin studying geology with the intent of eventually transferring from engineering to planetary sciences. It's a change I'd recommend; we need more people in planetary."
"Moira Duffy? I would have thought she was the quintessential engineer--faithful to the end." Despite herself, Janeway laughed, and felt her spirit lighten a bit when she saw an answering light in Chakotay's eyes.
Whatever he was about to say next was interrupted when Neelix came bustling over with her lunch and set it down on the table in front of her with a flourish. "Here you go, captain. One Brintarin omelet, still hot from the pan. And to go with it, the first of the new crop of Talaxian tomatoes!"
Talaxian tomatoes. Her plants on New Earth would be forming their first buds by now. Janeway felt the memory of planting them freeze her in place. Unable to tear her eyes away from Chakotay's, she saw her pain at the loss of their home and future reflected in their depths. Without even glancing down at the food, she stood and silently left the mess hall. As the doors closed behind her, she could hear Chakotay's voice quietly telling Neelix to let her go.
Captain Kathryn Janeway strode purposefully down the corridor toward the door of her Security Chief's quarters for the fourth time in twenty minutes. This time however, she did not continue past it at the last minute, but instead stopped and rang the chime. Moments later, the door slid open. Tuvok looked up, face impassive. "Good evening, Captain. Please come in."
Janeway walked in and took the seat he motioned toward, noting the traditional robe he was wearing. "I hope I'm not disturbing your meditations, Tuvok."
"Not at all, Captain. I had stopped trying."
"Trying?"
His face was as closed as she'd ever seen it. "The attempt was not going well. Can I get you some spice tea?"
She filed his troubling words away for future consideration as she indicated her acceptance of his offer. He returned with the tea and sat down facing her. "How may I help you this evening, Captain?"
"I'm afraid I have a rather strange request for you. Feel free to refuse if necessary." Tuvok nodded once, silently urging her on. "I'd like to begin studying Vulcan emotion-control techniques with you."
Both eyebrows went up at that. "While I will, of course, help you in any way I can, I must admit to being at something of a loss. You have always found your own methods of dealing adequately with your emotions."
"But I've never had to deal with anything even remotely like this before. This claws at me; it's ripping me apart."
"Has he harmed you in some way, Captain?" His voice was calm as always, but she had known him long enough to detect the hint of danger in his tone.
"Oh, no, Tuvok. Never that. He loves me." She smiled slightly. "But he has touched a part of me that I never knew existed. Made me feel things in a way I never have before." She looked pensive. "Not even with Mark."
"You love and you are loved in return. If I understand Human emotional needs correctly, this condition is the one considered most beneficial, and which most Humans desire and actively seek. Why are you trying to avoid it?"
"I'm the Captain. A romantic liaison with a member of my crew, even my first officer, is a luxury I cannot afford."
"Why not?"
"Now you sound like Chakotay. It has always caused problems in the past. It always will."
"This is not the Alpha Quadrant. It is unlikely that Starfleet Command will transfer Commander Chakotay off Voyager in the near future."
"That's not the only possible source of trouble and you know it. An emotional attachment to any member of my crew could affect my judgement in a crisis, could possibly endanger the ship. I can't take that kind of chance."
He was silent for a several minutes, apparently considering his next words. It occurred to Janeway suddenly just how difficult this conversation must be for him. She had been so wrapped up in her own pain that she had not considered the probable effect of her emotions on her friend. She started to rise, but Tuvok curtly motioned her to sit. Feeling rather like a cadet again, she complied.
"Captain, over the past twenty-two months, I have observed a connection growing between you and the commander. Not only have you evolved into an efficient working command team, but it also appears that at times of stress you draw strength from his presence. And he from you. This has given you an emotional calmness--a center if you will--that I have never known you to have before. In my opinion, this connection has been beneficial for you and has made you an even better commanding officer. Consequently, it has been better for the crew in general. I cannot view this as a bad thing."
"Your point, Tuvok?"
"If this connection has expanded to include a romantic component, it is logical to conclude that the beneficial effects will be expanded as well."
"You're using logic to argue for an emotional connection?"
"You are Human."
"Too true."
"I must add, Captain, that since your return from your isolation on the planet, your relationship with the commander has appeared to be somewhat . . . strained. That strain, while not appreciably affecting the physical operation of this vessel, has negatively affected the morale of the entire crew. If I may employ an emotional term, Voyager is no longer a happy ship."
Janeway laughed shortly. "If mama isn't happy, no one's happy?"
"Precisely."
Janeway sighed, looking at her friend. "Well, mama certainly isn't happy." She sighed again, more deeply this time. "I confess, Tuvok, this is not at all the conversation I expected to have when I came in here, but you have given me a great deal to think about. Thank y ou."
"Any time, Captain."
Janeway glanced at the grandmother clock by the door to the bedroom. 02:00. Normally it would be way too late to bother anyone, even someone who retired as late as Chakotay, but now that she had decided on a course of action, she didn't think she could keep up the pretense through another shift. And this wasn't something they could discuss in her ready room.
"Computer, where is Commander Chakotay?"
"Commander Chakotay is in his office."
//So he isn't asleep either.// She started to reach for her uniform, but stopped herself. This time she wasn't the captain going to speak with her first officer, but the woman going to the man. She quickly pulled on a skirt and a long tunic and headed out the door.
He answered the door chime immediately. Suddenly and strangely shy, she stepped in just far enough to allow the door to close behind her. "I'm sorry to disturb you so late."
"You're not disturbing me, Captain. What can I do for you?"
"I . . ." //You're a Starfleet Captain, Kathryn. He loves you. You love him. Say it.// "I can't do this anymore." Strangely, something about the questioning look in his eyes calmed her, and she opened her arms in a gesture of surrender. "Chakotay, if you still want me, I'm yours."
He crossed the room in two strides and gathered her into his embrace. "If I still want you," he repeated with a laugh. "Kathryn, just how fickle do you think I am?"
Finally relaxing, she leaned against him, letting her arms slip around his waist, burying her face in the hollow bewteen his neck and shoulder, reveling in the feel of his skin. "You have no idea how often I've wanted to do that in the last few weeks." She placed a quick kiss on his neck and rested her head on his shoulder. "Not fickle, not you. But after all I've put you through, put both of us through, I thought you might be a bit more cautious."
"Never where you're concerned, Kathryn. Never where you're concerned. What made you change your mind?"
"Chakotay, if we're going to discuss this at any length, do you mind if we sit down before I fall down?"
He pulled back slightly and looked at her intently, seeing the effects of fatigue and worry in her face for the first time. A moment later, he reached down in a single swift motion and swept her up into his arms. "Better?"
Her relief and delight bubbled out as laughter, and she wrapped both arms around his neck.
"Chakotay! I had no idea you were such a romantic."
He smiled at her knowingly as he lowered his mouth to hers. "Just wait."